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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Goodbye for awhile

After three straight years of ass-busting, I’ve finally achieved one of my biggest dreams. 36 straight months of light sleep, heavy stress, and being isolated from friends and family. Roughly 1100 constant days of struggling, of loathing my required burden, of accepting it, and finally coming to love, but I survived it. The goal was to build a future that would sustain me through old age, provide a future for my children and grandchildren, and leave a legacy for the world’s readers to enjoy forever. I built the career, nurtured it lovingly, and saw great leaps in a short (from the outside view) 36 months. I have a stunning ranch home (renting, with the option to buy next year), a garden and pond about to go be stocked, a number of shtf projects going, and a very nice laptop to work on. I also found a new editing/formatting service and though it’s 1k per book, I’m once again redoing every piece of work I have out there. I have to put the money back into the books or they will fail, but more than that, this year is for fixing my mistakes and preparing for the future.

I assumed (Ass. U. Me. Ha-ha. Bitterly) my friends and family would not only be happy for me, but that they would want to share in this new level of success and even help me build the next parts of the dream. I thought they knew what I was doing and why, and that it’s a huge accomplishment to achieve the American dream at all, let alone to have done it so fast. I was sure that because they love me and because they know of the terrible background I’d had, that they would never betray me. I knew them and they knew me. We had trust… I trusted them. When it’s your own damn blood, you should be able to do that. Instead, when I left the old hell-hole, only 2 people supported the choice.

I can’t explain what it’s like to put in 7 days a week, 15+ hours per day, for three years straight, and then have the very reasons you were doing it turn on you and accused you of only caring about your stupid books, your stupid online friends, and your stupid money. After decades of being a working mother, I retired to write and build a better life for us, and it cost me everything I held dear. That, I wasn’t sure I could survive.

But I did, it seems. I’m breathing and eating and pissing and spitting, so I know I’m here, but inside, sadness has flooded me until I can’t even think about it all without tearing up. It has interfered with every part of my plans and dreams, including my writing. I haven’t turned out anything in more than a month and I honestly don’t have any big desire to try now. I feel empty, like there’s just nothing waiting to be put on paper. No, that’s not true. It’s more like the door isn’t there anymore. I think I can get it back, believe I will once I sort through this shit in my head, but there’s some doubt. Being accused of being a bad parent because you built a life where the rent alone is $1600, is somewhat devastating. They didn’t care how unhappy I was to be living (???) that way all our lives, so long as they had their needs/wants covered. The moment I needed to make a change, I was alone. They have no idea who I am or what I believe in. My readers know me better than my own family.

At this point, this post already sounds like an’ oh, poor me’ play and I really can’t stand that either. It was very easy to put Angela’s sadness into book six, but where is the fire for the huge battle that comes next? At this point, I couldn’t give a shit less if Safe Haven wins or not. Everything they’re fighting for-what I’m fighting for-doesn’t really exist. I write fiction. It’s not like I help humanity or that my stopping writing or even dying would make one bit of difference to the way the world turns. I’ve lost my hope for that big dream. I’ve gotta tell you, it seems a lot easier to finish or end the books I have out, and then just work on my ranch. I have a pond to stock, a garden to tend, and a nursery to enjoy. I’m hoping to work in the dirt and the sun and the breeze and try to feel like I give a damn again.

What this means is that I’m leaving for awhile (fb, email, blogs, text, etc.) and there won’t be any new books until at least after harvest time. I always say I’m doing it, but I always spent the time working on a new project that I needed to concentrate on, or a new book, or a new way to make those around me happy. I’m so tired and I still don’t sleep well. I gain/lose weight unevenly, and I get sweats. Seems like menopause is choosing to hit me at the same time as the rest of life’s little pleasures. Maybe once that’s done I’ll feel like me again. Though from what I hear, I’ll probably be someone else by then anyway. As I’m sure you can feel clearly, I’m not the light anymore.

I’ll be around until mid-April when the tax bill comes in. I’m expecting to pay about $8K and I’ll be spending all summer stressing over being able to cover it by the time the extension is up. That’s a worry I can’t escape from, and one I shouldn’t bitch about, I suppose. I know a lot of people would kill to be in my shoes, but I don’t feel well right now, so it’s possible I’m not seeing things clearly. Another reason to take a break. self-doubt. What if they’re right?

Until I’m sure, I can’t pretend to be something I’m not. Thanks to the failure (mine) of the group, I can’t even pass things off to an XO for a while. I can’t trust people, no matter how much I want to or how hard I try and that’s why the Eagles have not been restarted. Basically, it’s my dream and if you can’t build it my way, it doesn’t need to be built around me. Do it yourself, your way, and good luck. I will not have my ideas and images used to satisfy anything other than what they were given to me for. I wasn’t building your Safe Haven or mine. I was building a SH for the future and that takes time and a real plan. Those groups that say you’re covered as long as you have them and your supplies close by are mostly bs. They have no foresight for what comes after those clever snares are found empty for ten days in a row, or when the group by yours decides your garden looks ripe because of it.

“We’ll shoot them.” Snort. Nice plan when they chose to slit your throat during the night instead of fighting like men. “We’ll stand watch.” Head-shake. How many people today know how to stand watch, what to do if they spot something, or even when to shoot? Without a real plan, it won’t work. Was mine a ‘real’ plan? I obviously thought so, but I don’t think we’re going to find out. I’m being pushed away so hard that I’m exhausted from just fighting to breathe. Letting the current drag me down would be much easier.

Sites will close down soon-the cover site (already is), the extra blogs, extra emails, services, and the ability to buy books from my websites. New ones will still come out on my blog and then go to retailers, but once it’s live on a big store, that will be the only place to get it. And if it all falls down and I never write another word, I’m sorrier than I already was before posting this, but I could flip burgers if I had to. I hear they’re gonna get $15 an hour. Bitter eye-roll.

As for my fans, we’ll miss each other but you’ll find another author to enjoy. I’m no one special there anyway-just look at the amazon reviews on book one which have dropped so low that I can’t get Bookbub to advertise it. Some of those assholes are outright mean and I can’t even get angry about it anymore. I’m now putting out 1.5K a month in editing, formatting, covers, and advertising, but in the end, does it matter if I’m as stupid as they think?  What if they’re right too? Then I have no business building anything for anyone. That’s what’s wrong with our leaders now. How can I be different than them if I’m exactly the same?

That’s the end of my whining. I hope after you read this that something good comes your way. I certainly didn’t have any of that to give you beyond confirming that all merchandise has been shipped as of this morning -and that’s another area that will close in mid-april. If you want any LAW merchandise before the big holidays then grab it now please.
Care packages are also being shipped this week. Please don’t send anymore items or $ to me after the first of April. Donate them to another group that helps our troops and thank you!

I’m sorry